Dear Me

Last year, I read Emily Freeman’s Grace for the Good Girl and found it to be written just for me. She has a new book out called Graceful, and it’s the same message as her previous book directed at teenage girls. I’m pretty sure I could have used that book as a teen! In honor of the new book, Emily invited people to write a letter to their teenage self and link it up to her blog. It was a fun little assignment, you might want to do it yourself. Mine is below.

Dear 17-year-old me,

I’ve lived twice as long as you now, can you believe it? You played house for so many years and dreamed of being a grown up, and now you are one. It’s been a good life, and I’ve learned a few things that you might find helpful. So, as you venture into your senior year of high school, here are some things you should know:

Stop being so scared to try new foods. Specifically, can you figure out how to like lettuce and other green leafy things? It might be OK as a teenager to eat only two croutons and the cherry tomato half on every salad automatically given to you at a banquet or reception, but ordering everything sans lettuce as a 35-year-old is a little embarrassing. Yes, your husband (Really! You DO get one! More on him later.) also dislikes lettuce, making you true soul mates, but you are both trying to eat healthier these days, and tolerating lettuce would really be a bonus in that department.

You were never really good at getting your hair “big” like the other girls. It’s a fad that’s already going out of style, but don’t fret. It just means many less embarrassing photos later in life. You’re really not much into fads anyway. I mean, you rolled your jeans and wore multiple pairs of brightly colored socks with your white canvas shoes, but you were never the trend setter. Trendy isn’t your thing, and that’s OK, too. Everyone has their own style, even if it’s not evident in high school.

That’s me, second from the left.

For someone who isn’t very good with numbers, you are pretty set on one number: your GPA. Can I tell you a little secret? When you are 35 you will not remember what your GPA was. Gasp! I know. I know. It’s a statistic that gives you worth, proves you are good. You enjoy school and you love to learn, those are wonderful things. But stop letting perfect grades stress you out! That B in choir your freshman year was a gift, I tell you, a gift! Can you imagine your stress level if you had the chance for that perfect 4.0? You are so much more than a number. Just last week your oldest child brought home his/her first school paper with a grade on top. (Sorry for the gender confusion, but you and the hubs are a rare breed who don’t find out the gender of your children before they are born. I don’t want to spoil the surprise!) The child is in third grade, the first year with real letter grades. And that first school paper with a grade on top did a number on your heart. The grade was a good one, there was no disappointment. In fact, this child does very well in school, just like you did. But the truth is, you see beyond the grade, the numbers, the statistics. You see your precious child whom you value for so much more than his/her ability to get good grades. Keep doing well in school and enjoy learning, but stop letting your GPA determine your self worth.

You girls know how to party with your sparkling grape juice and big, baggy shirts!

You also need to know that having a boyfriend does not give you value either. I’m pretty sure you know this one, but it’s still hard to feel like the only one who never had a boyfriend. You aren’t the only one. You have an amazing group of girlfriends (Hey, we’re still friends, can you believe it?) and those friendships are a huge blessing! Enjoy the time you spend together. You have had many experiences in high school, and will have more opportunities in college, that you might have missed out on if there was a guy to distract you. Instead, you have missed out on heartache and who knows what kind of trouble. You will spend most of your college years without a boyfriend either. So, just learn to enjoy meeting new people and stop wondering if every event you attend might be the event where you meet “the one.” All that brain power could be used for more noble causes. Towards the end of your senior year of college you will see a cute guy at your church. And then you will see him several places around campus, wondering why you never saw him before. You will not get the opportunity to meet him at church, and you will sing like Alanis Morrisette that it’s ironic, but do not despair! You know that job giving tours of the dorms to new students where you’ll only make $50?  Totally worth it! You’ll get to work with — yep, you guessed it — cute church boy! And it turns out to be the perfect opportunity for two kinda quiet people to meet and fall in love. So worth the wait!

This letter is getting long, but there is one more thing that you must know: It is OK to make mistakes. You are so desperate to do what’s right and what pleases God. This is a good thing, yet you take it to an extreme. You are constantly wondering if you are doing things good enough, if what you are doing is really God’s will, if there is something you are missing that would make your life more aligned with God. (And you’re developing a rather prideful and judgmental heart, which is definitely not God’s will for your life.) That voice telling you you are not good enough is not God’s voice. I wish I could say that at 35 you’ve stopped listening to that voice, but much like your lettuce preferences, some battles take longer to win. The good news is you start to listen more to the voice of God’s grace. It’s been there all along, you just tune it out in favor of items to put on your “I’m good enough check list.” So, throw that list away, even though it’s not on paper and only in your imagination. Cause that’s just it, it’s an imaginary list. Much like you see your children for being worth more than their grades, God sees you for more than what you do. He appreciates your heart so desperate to follow Him, but He really just wants you to get to know Him and to enjoy His presence in your life. If you start there, the “doing what’s right” will naturally follow.

There is so much more I could tell you — and I know you think you want to know every detail — but the stuff I already told you is a good start. Enjoy the journey!

Love,

Me 🙂

P.S. As a 35-year-old, you’ll wish 70-year-old you would send along a letter. But, then you’ll realize she already has in the form of the women in their 70s, 60s, 50s, 40s and even 30s that say, “Enjoy your kids! They grow up so fast …”

Book Review: You’re Already Amazing

I hear a missionary share about her work in Africa. I think, “Maybe I should go to Africa!”

I see a family with twelve children. I think, “Maybe I should have twelve kids!”

I read about a mom who cooks everything from scratch, homeschools her children, runs a business from home, has organized every square inch of her house, writes blog posts every day, and has a weekly date night with her husband, all while looking super cute in her thrift store finds. I think, “Maybe I should do all of that!”

It’s certainly okay to be inspired by someone’s story, challenged to re-think my life choices, or follow someone else’s example. But sometimes I’m working so hard to be like everybody else, that I forget to be who God made me to be. 

If you’ve ever felt the same, wondered what you should really be doing with your life, or wished you could just do life better, I recommend the book You’re Already Amazing by Holley Gerth.

And here’s the thing: we only get one you. There never has been, and never will be, another you in this world. God doesn’t have a backup plan or replacement policy. That’s why I feel so passionately about you being who you are and embracing it. We don’t need a copy of someone else–we need to the one and only, original you.

— Holley Gerth, You’re Already Amazing, pg. 180

God did not create me to go around trying to be like everyone else. He uniquely designed and gifted me for a purpose. I sometimes wish God would just send me an email and tell me what to do with my life. And while You’re Already Amazing is not an email from God, it is an encouraging book with plenty of words that likely would be included if God were to send you an email. {Grin.}

With a series of tools, questions and examples, Holley helps you better recognize and evaluate your strengths, skills, relational style, personality and more, all with a warm, conversational style that makes you feel like you are chatting at her kitchen table. She weaves in a bit of poetry and shares stories from the women she counsels, her friends and her own life. She addresses lies you believe about being perfect and comparing ourselves to others, and gives guidance for determining where God’s journey is taking you.

This book seems incredibly timely for me, as I ponder what to do with my life in the coming years when my kids will all be in school. It also seems like a great book to keep as a reference, to re-read when I’m questioning a decision or headed to a new season of life.

More than anything, this book left me feeling content to be me. Just me. Quirks, issues, imperfections and hopes included.

And, psssst! Do you know what? The same goes for you! You’re amazing!

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If you’d like to know more about the book, check out DaySpring’s site here.

For more about the author, check out HolleyGerth.com.

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*Disclaimer: I received a free copy of You’re Already Amazing in exchange for this review, however all opinions are mine. Gracias.

Day 31: The Finish Line

Here we are at the finish line!

It’s been a good run! We’ve decided to run, worked through the training plan, come out of the dark, turned some corners, learned when to push through and when to take a break. We’ve gained inspiration, and learned how running can help others, too.

I was trying to come up with a big, super inspiring and motivational post for this last day. But the truth is, finishing is pretty inspiring, don’t you think?

I’ve always been great at starting things. Finishing them is another matter. I’m motivated by deadlines, which is a nice way of saying I’m a procrastinator. I put things off until the deadline is near, and then I have no choice but to work on them into the wee hours of the morning while the rest of my neighborhood sleeps. I’ve worked on countless school papers, 4-H projects, college projects and Christmas wrappings well past my bedtime. I frantically rush around cleaning the house just before party guest arrive. I may have still been stitching a certain Yoshi costume last week as my son wore it out the door for a Trick-or-Treating parade.

If something doesn’t have a deadline, it often remains unfinished. Such as a blog named randomreporter.wordpress.com. I started this blog and then quit this blog. I’ve restarted and renamed. I’ve wondered what I’m even doing. Yet this desire to write won’t leave me alone.

The 31 Days challenge has turned into my a training plan for writing. Like the Couch to 5K plan that taught me how to run, this 31 Days has taught me how to write. It gave me the deadline I needed. It gave me a story to pursue. And a team came along for the ride with more than 700 others participating in 31 Days and all of you who’ve read and commented.

On Day 6 I posted a quote from John Bingham, a man who learned how to run himself. “The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start,” he said. And starting does take courage. We have no finish line if we don’t take off from the starting blocks. When we’re on Day 6 of our new journey, we gain motivation from our courage to start. But as we keep running, or writing, or painting, or organizing, or whatever it is you want to do more of, we reach the half-way point and it can start to overwhelm. We must adjust our focus from having the courage to start, and now dig deep to find the strength to finish.

And since we never fully arrive, this writing journey can’t stop either. After I finished the Couch to 5K plan the first time, I declared my accomplishment and said, “Now to keep from going back to the couch.” I don’t intend to write here everyday, but I do hope to be a little less random about posting here.

The best thing about crossing the finish line at a race is to see the others who have already finished clapping and cheering you on. I’ve crossed the finish line, grabbed my bottle of water and returned to cheer for you! Whenever you muster the courage to start your new thing, I hope this little series has provided some encouragement. And when you’re ready to quit, or feel like you are wasting your time in pursuing your new thing, that’s when I hope you remember to dig down deep and take things one step at a time. And whether you run or walk or write, there is joy in crossing the finish line! You can do it! Woo hoo! 🙂

Day 14: Delayed Arrival

Here’s another post from the archives, written last November.

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I recently posted this on Twitter: “Last night [my two-year-old] successfully wore undies to bed! WE ARE DIAPER FREE!!!!!!!”

Guess what’s happened since then? We’ve gone back to night diapers and had a day time accident nearly every day.

I recently wrote Change is Possible — a post about feeling like I had accomplished so much by not quitting my running plan, even though it got tough. I got up extra early to run at a time when I had plenty of excuses to not follow through.

And you know what? No, I didn’t quit. But, I did realize that I had not arrived. Just because I had a sense of accomplishment didn’t mean that I was finished. There is still work to do. There are still days to run before I “complete” the running program. I still have to set my alarm, put on my shoes (and extra layers, a hat and gloves — brrrr it’s cold in the morning), and go run.

I am always a work in progress. I will never arrive. And just when I think I have, someone is going to pee in their pants.

“… being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

There is comfort in that verse. God is working, and will continue to work, until we are finished.

But sometimes I find that verse discouraging. Sometimes I just want to arrive. I want to be complete. I embrace the “Learning. Growing. Becoming.” catch-phrase at the top of my blog, but sometimes I want it to say “Learned. Grown. Became.” It sounds grammatically awkward, and it’s also not humanly possible.

I understand that I am a work in progress — and so are you — but I easily get frustrated with what I haven’t learned. I recognize I’m learning some valuable life lesson, and I wonder why I’m just learning it now? Why did I not “get it” at some earlier time? How is it that it’s taken me 30 some years to see some issue so basic to my own personality? Why have I never understood some issue so basic to maintaining a good relationship? Why have I not grasped a concept so basic to the nature of God?

It is easy to get stuck looking at what I don’t know, don’t do or don’t understand. This is something I find myself doing often. (One of those personality things I’m just realizing about  myself.)

I actually started writing this post a few weeks ago, but then I got stuck with feeling so “un-arrived” that I wasn’t sure where to go with it. In the last few weeks, potty training has improved and I finished my running plan. (Woo hoo!) I feel confident in saying that my daughter is potty trained and in saying that I have learned to run. The truth is, there really hasn’t been an “arrival” in either of those areas. We do still have an occasional potty accident, and I still need to exercise on a regular basis and sign up to actually run in a race. (My Facebook status the other day: Woo hoo! I finished Couch to 5K! Now to keep from heading back to the couch …)

The only thing that has changed is my perspective. I’m not trying to “arrive,” I’m just thankful that I’ve moved from where I was. I’m not changing diapers and I’m not being a couch potato. Sure, I’m still going to clean up some accidents, and yes, I still have some (a lot) of work to do before I reach my fitness goals, but I have to stop and look at how far I have already come.

This is a key principle that I’m seeing as I read thru the Bible. In the Old Testament, the Israelites built altars or stone monuments in a place where God had shown up and saved them or provided for them. They put up the stones to help tell others that this was a place where they saw God, but it was also a way to remind themselves of how God had worked. In the New Testament, people often quote scripture or tell stories of Abraham, Moses and others. Those stories of God’s provision are central to their faith and current situations.

I must learn to do the same!  I have to look at the things I have already learned, many things that have become so much a part of my life that I rarely even notice them. I have to remember what God has already revealed to me and how much He has already worked in my life.

Yes, I can see how some life lessons would have been better learned years ago, but I also have confidence that ” … He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion.” I have many more lessons to learn. My arrival is delayed indefinitely. And that is OK.

Day 10: Change is Possible

This is a re-run post I wrote about one year ago. This trying to post every day is a challenge for someone who, prior to the 31 Days series, had only written seven posts for the entire year. It feels a bit like trying to run a 5K without training for it. So, I’m pacing myself a bit and leaving a few days for reprints and what-not. This post was actually written on a Monday last fall, so when it says, “yesterday” in the post, it is technically “one year ago.” I’m sure you’re all smart enough to understand. 🙂

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Yesterday, I woke up at 5:55 a.m. — by my own choice — to go for a run.

Let me repeat myself.

Yesterday, I woke up at 5:55 a.m. — by my own choice — to go for a run.

This may not be such a big deal to some people, but for this non-morning person who has always hated running, it’s a pretty big deal!

My husband had to leave earlier than normal for work, so if I was going to keep up with my Couch to 5K running plan, I had to get my run in before he left. So, I set my alarm. Then, I had a hard time falling asleep because I had taken a Sunday afternoon nap. Then, I got woke up two times in the night by kids. And it would have been really easy to turn off my alarm. It would have been really easy to just quit.

But, I didn’t.

I got up early and went for a run, and I gained such a sense of accomplishment! My great feelings came less from the fact that I went for a run, but more from the fact that I didn’t quit. Usually, I just kind of give up. Or congratulate myself for at least trying. Or make excuses for why something just isn’t for me.

I cannot tell you how much I have learned from what I thought was just a silly little running thing. I’ll attempt to share more in future blog posts [good thing the 31 Days series is holding me accountable to that!], but for now I am just amazed to see that change is possible.

It’s hard.

It’s challenging.

Every time I run I still feel like stopping for a break.

And, man, it’s dark at 6:00 in the morning!

But, as I force myself to keep up with the running plan, I’m finding this new desire to tackle things that I’ve come to think might always stay the same.

I can stop being a night owl and learn to be a morning person.

I can become more patient.

I can be more organized.

I can love that person who always rubs me the wrong way.

If I can learn to run, well, then just about anything is possible.

And, if I can change, well, then you can change, too.

 

Day 5: Learning to Run [Part 2]

[Continued from yesterday…]

I have to wonder how many times I have sabotaged my own spiritual growth by trying to start off too fast? What if I used the same principles that are helping me do something I have never enjoyed, to do something I really desire?

I desire to spend time with God reading my Bible on a daily basis. What if I start by just reading on, say, three days a week. I hear myself protesting already, because I think I should just be able to do all seven. But what if I start out slowly, wait until I am ready to move on, and gradually add a day of Bible reading to my life?

I don’t expect my kids to learn to walk in a day. Or learn to ride a bike. Or learn to read. The list could go on. We gradually help our kids learn to do new things. Why do I think my Heavenly Father, who has love and grace beyond my comprehension, expects me to do everything perfectly the first time? In our hurried culture of text messages, fast food, extreme make-overs and instant everything, it’s easy to forget that I am a work in progress.

So, what about you? Is there something you’ve been trying to accomplish in your own strength? Have you tried to make changes too quickly without giving yourself the time to let a new habit stick? Do you need a grace-based training program for prayer, Bible reading or putting on the fruit of the Spirit?

“Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives’ tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” 1 Timothy 4:7-8

The verse doesn’t say, “What is your problem? Just be godly, already!” It says to “train yourself to be godly.” It implies time, practice and probably some failures.

God gives us grace and mercy — not permission to sin, but an invitation for forgiveness and a fresh start. Thank you, God, for your great love! Remind us of it as we seek You and train ourselves in godliness.

Day 4: Learning to Run [Part 1]

**I first wrote this for my church newsletter and thought it fits well with my Learning to Run theme. It was written about five weeks into my first attempts at learning to run. **

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I have this love/hate relationship with writing.

On the one hand, it’s something I enjoy. It helps me tame the thoughts swirling in my head. I tend to express myself better in writing, as conversation has never been my strong suit.

On the other hand, when I write a little article and it ends all neat and tidy, it gives a false impression that I’ve got my life all figured out and put together. It gives the impression that life can be wrapped up in 500 words with an introduction, a few bullet points and a conclusion.

So, here I sit, working on [my church] newsletter with an empty space to fill and some words on my heart about what I’ve written in the past.

I’ve written about my struggles to focus on a relationship with God and not on a religious set of rules. I’ve written about my struggles to read my Bible with consistency. And guess what? I still struggle with those same things.

So, what is my problem? I mean, really? I have Christ living in me, so why do I keep resorting to old habits? If I am a new creation, why do I keep feeling like the same old, same old?

One reason is because I have an enemy and his name is Satan. I’m pretty sure he’d like me to be a religious rule-follower who never reads my Bible. He tells lies, and I sometimes choose to listen to them.

Other reasons include that I rely on my own strength and forget to ask God for His strength. I live as though I must meet some level of spiritual maturity before God can really work in my life. I forget about grace.

Another reason for my failures has been revealed in an unlikely way as I train to run a 5K. I know what you are thinking, “I didn’t know Cori was a runner.” Well, actually, I have always hated running, but I’m currently in week five of a nine-week program called “Couch to 5K.” (Clever name, huh?)

For about 30 minutes, three days a week, I do a walking/jogging combination around my neighborhood. Supposedly I’ll be able to run for 30 minutes at the end of the nine weeks.

And, you know what? The program is actually working! It’s not easy (it does involve running), but it hasn’t been nearly as hard as I thought it might be. The keys seem to be how slow the program starts out and the small, gradual increases in running. The program designers knew what they were doing. At coolrunning.com, the website explaining the program, it recommends not skipping ahead but repeating weeks as necessary until you are ready to move on. It says, “Too many people have been turned off of running simply by trying to start off too fast.”

I have to wonder how many times I have sabotaged my own spiritual growth by trying to start off too fast? What if I used the same principles that are helping me do something I have never enjoyed, to do something I really desire?

[To be continued tomorrow …]

Hard Love

I’m participating in my first “5 Minute Friday.” Here’s what it’s all about: The Gypsy Mama gives a writing prompt and others join in, writing about that topic for 5 minutes with no editing or tweaking. “Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not,” she says.

The Hard Love …

I noticed a touch of pink in my backyard this morning. The first blooms of our bleeding heart plant. (I thought about getting a picture, but it rained most of the day, so the photo above is from last year.)

It seems fitting to see a bleeding heart today, Good Friday. The day that hard love was born. The day that love did what it didn’t have to do, all for the sake of relationship.

I can learn a lot from hard love. I need to “do” hard love more often. I need to give when I don’t feel like giving. I need to bite my tongue when I’m about to say something that doesn’t need to be said. I need to lay down my rights in an effort to put someone else first.

It seems so un-American, but it is exactly what God did. Christ gave up His life for the sake of relationship. For the sake of you. For the sake of me.

Words.

Baskets of laundry stand in line, waiting their turn to spin in soapy water. A load of damp towels and washcloths rest in stiff, crumpled shapes against the sides of the washing machine, ready to be tumbled and warmed. Yet another load of hand-me-downs and garage sale finds sits in the dryer, waiting to move into their new spaces in drawers and on hangers, needed to accommodate the growing legs and arms of my children.

I sit at my dining room table and push lunch crumbs from beneath my bare toes and wonder why I am typing and not sweeping or folding or anything more productive than putting words on a screen.

I remember the words of writers Ann Voskamp and Holley Gerth telling the importance of words, of offering what we’ve been given as worship to the One who has given all to us.

And it seemed God whispered that in the Kingdom there isn’t much difference between a hungry belly and a hungry heart. There are all kinds of needs. And all kinds of ways to meet them. Sometimes that means actual food and a trip to another country. Other times it means daily bread of words offered from wherever we are.

— Holley Gerth, Can Words really Change the World?

A blonde girl dressed in pink asks me to carry a plastic castle from the basement, and I feel guilty for entertaining words and not playing with her.

I remember my old roommate Mandy’s words that pursuing her art is not selfish, but being a good steward of the gifts given her.

If God has called us to it and partnered with us in it and equipped us for it, then we are not being selfish, we are instead stewards of the gift. We are responsible for caring for it, nurturing it and using it well.

— Mandy Steward, Messy Canvas: Selfish or a Steward? — Part 1

This game I play with words, debating their value in this season of life, is not new. It’s the reason I started this blog and later quit this blog. They, the words, dance around in my head, sometimes singing and sometimes taunting. They sometimes whisper and sometimes yell.

Another blonde girl dressed for Yellow Day at preschool arrives, knocking at the front door. She’s given a ride home by my friend, and I feel guilty for losing track of time and failing to greet her at the door.

Yet the words keep swirling, asking to be set free from their prison in my head.

I remember how I cringed as we started to sing an old hymn at church on Sunday. I had longed for a more modern song, yet as the familiar tune filled the sanctuary, I realized the words — more words — were just for me.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

— The Love of God, by Frederick M. Lehman

The words are persistent. They will not go away. I beg and plead with them to leave me be, and they beg and plead back for me to stop pushing them away.

So, I stop the tug-of-war and pause before returning to the sweeping and laundry and other productive things. I dip into the ocean of ink and start painting on the parchment filled sky.

The Motions of Life

The first day of my Couch to 5K running plan, I loaded up a song list on my husband’s iPod and headed out the door. The songs were set to play at random, and I had to chuckle at the first song that played.

“This might hurt

It’s not safe

But I know that I’ve got to make a change … ”

— Matthew West, The Motions

(You can listen to the whole song here or click the link in the video box at the end.)

I can hardly think that song was “random.” I think God has a serious sense of humor.

This might hurt: Learning to run caused some physical pain with sore muscles and stiff joints. (Although, not as much as I anticipated, I think due to how slowly the running plan starts out.)

It’s not safe: It felt incredibly awkward to clumsily jog around my neighborhood for one minute at a time, trying to find good stride and rhythm. There was no guarantee I would finish the program, or even the first day.

But I know that I’ve got to make a change: I know that I need to make some changes to improve my physical health.

There is something more about this running thing and this song, though. I first heard the song about a year ago. I think it could be my theme song for what I am repeatedly learning in my life for the past two years or so.

I don’t want to go through the motions.

I don’t want to just be a good Christian who knows all the answers, lives a nice life and adds knowledge to my mind.

I don’t want to be a wife that lets my marriage become a formality, just an agreement to tolerate each other.

I don’t want to be a mom that let’s life fly by without enjoying my kids at each stage they are in.

I want to really live. And I’m learning that it really is the little things I do each day in my relationship with God and my family that matters most.

To pursue God, listen for His voice and act when He speaks.

To be intentional to spend time with my husband, respecting his leading in our family and appreciating his desire to provide for and protect our family.

I want to enjoy moments with my kids being mindful of how quickly they grow and change.

I used to think that I had to do something huge or risky or dramatic to avoid “going through the motions.” I’m finding the opposite is true. It’s those little things I do each day — even as small as an attitude shift — that determine whether this will be a day of just surviving or intentionally living.